“The disease to please is a form of addiction. Just as a drug addict seeks drugs, a people pleaser seeks approval” says psychologist Harriet Braiker. Most scholars who study human development agree that there is a stage of human development when children look for approval from their immediate authority figures, usually parents, teachers and other older people. But it looks like we don’t grow over this desire as we grow older, many of us are enslaved by the desire to please others. It’s a very old story, but a very powerful and relevant story for our theme today. An old man, a young boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey as the old man walked ahead. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.” They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how cruel and awful it was to put such a heavy load on the poor animal. The boy and man thought they were probably right, so they carried the donkey the rest of their journey. Sounds very stupid, but that is exactly what happens if we try to please everybody in life.
The greatest danger of a life full of camouflaging is not that people will never know who you truly are, but that you will lose the ability to figure out the difference between your camouflaging and your true self.
Fear of rejection is one of the most important reasons why people try to please others. But trying to please everyone is not the solution for avoiding this problem, because no matter what you do or not do, you always end up hurting or doing something that someone does not agree. We have to understand that it is impossible for everyone to love and approve our actions. What one person likes another may hate, therefore instead of trying to please everyone you have to choose to please only those who you think truly care for you. And remember that there is no guarantee that the same people who seem to agree with you today will continue to agree with you the rest of your life, because people change and their views of you also change.
“I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.”
This is not a mystery, it is a basic principle of life which we tend to ignore and in the process get deeply hurt. In trying too hard to please everyone many of us lose our own identity and feel very insecure and sometimes feel that we are failures. Camouflaging is a great way to avoid confrontation and cover up our differences. The greatest danger of a life full of camouflaging is not that people will never know who you truly are, but that you will lose the ability to figure out the difference between your camouflaging and your true self. Bill Cosby says “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.”
Let’s face it, we all have a desire to be approved and none of us enjoy being hurt by rejection or being criticized. However, if we are overly conscious of people’s comments and reactions I think we may never progress in life. Affirmation is a great motivator and pleasing others can be a good thing, but if people’s affirmation is the sole source of our security and fulfillment, then we are slaves to the addiction called ‘people pleasing’. It is unfortunate that many people these days especially in the western culture have an unhealthy need for constant affirmation and kind of expect that from every person they come across. I believe affirmation is a great way of reinforcing positive attitude in kids and people, but when it’s taken to its extreme where we seldom discipline or give constructive criticism, we are actually preparing people for a deeper disappointment in life.
It is important to understand that it is a good thing to be sensitive to other’s views and comments, but it is a terrible thing to let those comments dominate and dictate your life. Remember Jesus was surrounded by the Pharisees and the scribes most of the time who kept criticizing him no matter what he did. Instead of trying to please these scholars and the so called learned men of his day, he focused on pleasing his Father in heaven. Our goal in life must be to please God and not be too occupied or possessed with pleasing people. The apostle Paul says in 1 Thes 2:4 (NRSV) but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the message of the gospel, even so we speak, not to please mortals, but to please God who tests our hearts. What is your motivation in life: To please God or to please people?
Our goal in life must be to please God and not be too occupied or possessed with pleasing people.
– – Author: Rev. Francis Burgula – –
